30 Before 30

We were going to be famous. We were so excited about our idea, a second bottle of wine was opened just for the occasion. “We’ll call it 30 before 30!” Tessa yelled as her wine sloshed back and forth in the glass. I was frantically writing everything down.

For the love of Brazilian waxes

I wasn’t sure if the woman about to go to second base with me spoke English or not, but she had delicate features and a nice smile so I trusted her.

Stand Up, Taipei!

Some friends and family have been asking what it’s like to tell jokes in Taiwan. Here ya go!

DKK in NYC

“I’m not that kind of girl!” Dan squealed, his eyes twinkling under the florescent lights. We’d stopped for a couple of glasses of wine before heading to Juilliard. I felt like the Queen of New York. Lightly resting his fingertips on the rim of his wine glass, he leaned in to tell me something juicy and wonderful.

Note to self.

I found this note I wrote to myself:

FOUND&LOST

I am sucker for handwritten notes. Any kind, really, but especially ones I find in public. I feel sneaky peaking into someone else’s life through their writing. The notes are usually; grocery lists, nonsensical words, numbers, etc.

Today I found this little treat folded up on top of some moisturizer at a department store in Dazhi:

In a New York State of Mind pt. 2

I started writing here when I moved to New York with the intention of chronicling every lesson I’d learned after college, it wouldn’t feel right not to have a summary. Here it is:

A Quarter-Life Crisis

“If you were stranded on an island and could only bring three things what would they be?” I hated playing this game in summer camp. Do your parents count as two things? What kind of outlets does this island have? Do they speak a different language? Will there be boys there? The answers didn’t really matter because I always ended up choosing the same things; my parents, beanie baby collection and stuffed dog, Lucky.

Playin’ Catch Up

Sprinting through the airport, I vowed to start exercising the second I got to Taiwan. There are multiple reasons why I hate running through airports, first and foremost: my travel backpack. As if my 5′ 2” frame and chronic baby-weight don’t already make me look like high schooler, running with a backpack surely seals the deal.

Jay’s Rules: A Father’s Day Eulogy

Five black dresses hung in my dressing room; two were too small, one made me look like a hussie, one had a curious stain on it and the other one was perfect for emulating the body of a pregnant woman. I went with the dress that made me look like a hussie. Exactly one day and a handful of hours later, I was tugging at that dress in front of 30 people I didn’t know, three people I knew, and a casket.

6 Months Ago

I didn’t publish this in January because I felt like it was too narcissistic. Now I’ve learned to be proud of the little things.

A 2011 annual report for this blog – by WordPress.

Just Pray

He stuck his fist out in front of him and looked at me with a comical sense of seriousness, “Are you with me?” I’d never been in a bar fight before. The situation sounded anecdotally appetizing, but I’d never fully developed into the bottle-breaking, bar-fighting, bad-ass I needed to be for this situation. I clenched my fist even tighter around the little slip of paper as I shoved it into my pocket.

Career Day

“A TOAST!” Leslie yelled, smashing her butter knife against a mimosa glass. It’s 1PM on New Year’s Day and I have yet to go home and yet to stop drinking. “To the Apocalypse! Let’s quit our jobs, spend our money, and have the greatest year of our lives!”

What Can Dr. Brown Do For You?

I started up the steps to Lewis’ apartment, I hate ending things, I really do. Why isn’t this 2002? I could just do it via AIM, but NOOOO I have to be responsible and do it to his face…ugh. After over a month of seeing him, I knew things weren’t going to work out.

Pot & Condoms

“Okay Marina, I have to go google russian penis jokes for your interview tomorrow, bye bye!” My father said not waiting for a response. I guess I should explain how we got to this point.

Christmas is Cancelled.

My mother covers the camera on our family computer because according to her, “The government is watching us.” Why the U.S. government is watching two retirement-aged Russians, who have yet to learn how to properly pronounce the letter ‘V’, is beyond me. I try not to question my parents’ antics so I don’t run out of things to write about.

Big Girls Do Cry

“I love you,” he said. There is a point in the night where Brooklyn gets really quiet and really beautiful. It’s at this point everyone on the street falls in love with whatever is closest. For Gio, the closest whatever was me.

Dimitry Eugenovich*

“I don’t know, ‘Dimitry’ is not a name you can scream out in the sack,” Leslie said looking up from the email I’d forwarded her. “Okay but how do I look in this dress?” I had 15 minutes to get ready for my first (and hopefully last) blind date. If I’d utilized my roommate’s date-reasoning, I probably would’ve avoided my last two nightmarish relationships.

Zipper Dee Doo Dah

There comes a time in every strong, independent, single girl’s life when she can’t zip her dress all the way. At this time, she crumbles to the floor in a pile of teary worthlessness and decides it’s time to start dating again.

Stopping to Start

“видиш это?”

“О да, прямо там?”

“да. Я думаю что нужно биопсии.”

What followed was a series of events that culminated into a “hypochondriacal break down” as my psychologist would later call it (but that’s in a few posts).

Don’t Get Mad, Get Vlad!

My dad wore a Speedo to our neighborhood swimming pool when I was little. I had two choices; die of embarrassment or become a humorist — I chose both.

U R A RA?

A pink thong greeted me as I got off the elevator. I wouldn’t have thought it to be that weird if it wasn’t still attached to its owner.

Olga Shifrin vs. Kübler-Ross

“The worst part of going through labor is you’re not allowed to smoke a celebratory cigarette in the emergency room,” according to my mother. My mom is a certifiable badass.

An Open Letter to the Man who yelled “Show your vagina!”

Dear Mr. Heckler,

I first would like to apologize for not succumbing to your requests. As a comedienne and entertainer, it is my priority that every one who sees me perform – whether by choice or not – enjoy themselves as much as possible.

Huffing And Puffing

I was a pretty average teenager; I wrote a lot of poetry and hated my dad. Do you need any more proof? That’s why I never had much of an interest revisiting the place where my misery manifested itself: Deerfield High School.

Cold Turkey

Update: Due to unforeseen circumstances I am back at work. Which is ironic if you read the whole post. It’s a long complicated story that I can’t romanticize on this blog, BUT I don’t believe in pulling down posts. Maybe more to come about this, but probably not.

Double Update: Look out for a post with an update on the update. 

Eating, Praying and Loving

The first time you have sex, after surgery, in nightmares: There are so many situations where being naked is simply terrifying.

The 7-Day Plan

The thing is, Julia Roberts has way more time and money than I have. So when I decided to go find myself; I couldn’t take three months off, visit three countries or do whatever-else it is she did in Eat, Pray Love. But I did have seven days to get my emotional shit in order, so I put together a plan.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

The last thing my Mom said to me before I got off the phone was, “Well, that’s really stupid Marina.” And it was really stupid.

It’s Getting Chile

I love living in New York more than anything I have ever loved (including peanut butter, small bows and a well-made vodka martini), but I need to get out.

Priceless

Rent+Utilities for your walk-in closet of an apartment: $900 a month

Dear Joe

I nearly broke my neck diving out of bed to answer the phone. It’s him, It’s him, It has to be him. “Yeah?” Who answers the phone with ‘Yeah’?

“Hellooooo!” My mother yodeled, she called to ask about the latest charge on my credit card. I need to change my password.

Modern-Day Cinderella*

Once upon a time, there was a girl trying to survive in a very big city. One night, in her haste to slip out of a cab, the girl lost a shoe. Before she could yell out, the cab disappeared into the blurry, but well-lit, horizon.

As  the girl ran down 4th ave (in one shoe) she thought, How whimsical and free-spirited, but when she sobered up she just realized, how stupid.

Secrets, Secrets

The word secret should have a negative connotation, but for some reason it comes off as sexy.

Perfect: Post

A week in the life of my feet, or should I say shoes? Anyway…

HI! Pochondria.

You know that mirror dance every girl does when trying on a piece of clothing—You walk up to the mirror analyze your body, swivel, do the obligatory butt-check and ultimately realize this is not the ‘you’, you want stepping out of the house that morning.

I have done the mirror dance often, except instead of clothing I try on various disorders and addictions.

Dating to Death

Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. It’s the natural pattern your chest follows when you’re, well…alive. Sometimes it speeds up, and other times it slows down. On Saturday, March 12, at 12:47 a.m. my chest went up and did not come back down.

In a New York Minute: Morning Commute

8:51 a.m – Step out of the apartment.

The Remainder

I’m running. I could hear whistles and cat-calls as I sprinted down 7th avenue. My short dress was flying up exposing my pink and black-checkered underwear, but I didn’t care because I was late.

Get up, Stand-up

Three things happened after my debut on Broadway:

1. I cried because I had been 1 minute over my time limit.
2. Jesus told me I would become famous.
3. Judah Friedlander fist bumped me.